New attempt to make something of this blog idea

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind about life, now and past. I feel I have two lives, the one that is gone forever and the new one I am trying to create and hang on to. It's hard. I do find I can take some things from my old life to use now, but still with some sadness. I'm working on that. I'm working on being grateful for it and honoring it wisely. But having my life change in an instant and never being able to say goodbye still hurts and I think it will hurt forever. My first hope is that my boys can forgive me, my second hope is that I can forgive myself and lastly I wish I could feel at peace with the thought that they are now in the spirit world and are okay.
That last is the key, how do I find the spirituality to believe that? How do I live without it? How do I embrace it? I don't know. It is very frightening. It's hard. How can I make that wish become a hope and then a belief? I need something, a sign, where will it come from? I feel it needs to come from within me? Will that ever happen? Will I live long enough for it to happen?

There is a little interesting thing that is happening to me. I don't know if I will consider it a sign of all my hopes. Non-the-less, it is something new. It is that I am scared of dying. I am scared of my lifestyle that is destroying my health. I'm also scared for my family, for so many of them. If only we could all be different, take away the underlying sadness, shame and guilt and let ourselves love ourselves and others. Then move on being healthier and happier. We have so much we could enjoy, we are all intelligent, creative, passionate and kind good people. We have the capacity to give and to frolic. There is so much wit and insight here, we could do much more with it and enjoy it. Perhaps it will improve for us all. I hope so. I will do my best. But DAMN, I wish I had a Pepsi and ice right now. Should I go look in the kitchen? Maybe.