Grief Scapegoats

Today my dog life was again been attacked by my family during a time of great family grief. I have to understand that it's a lashing out at anything, displaced anger, irrational words because the real thing we're angry at is that we cannot change what has happened. Someone we love has died. It does hurt to be accused of caring more about my dogs than my family. My dogs are part of my family. I can understand that, but not everyone can. I can't change who I am and if I did, would it make any difference? I think the answer is no, except for myself. I would be very hollow.

I am biting my tongue and not lashing back because I am hurt and unfairly accussed of letting someone down.

I can't change what has happened to anyone. I can do what I can to be supportive. But I don't think that needs to mean I should forsake my life with my dogs.

I was already sad today and I didn't know why. Maybe some part of me knew this was coming.

Calm down

I feel like I've been so intense, especially this past few weeks. I've noticed I'm crabby, critical and cynical. It's tiring. I've noticed so many people in dog agility have lost weight and look healthy. Not me. I'm heading in the other direction. I'm struggling to feel the littlest hint of getting on that bandwagon. I know the benefits would be huge. What IS the hangup now?

I'm a little bit sad that it's going to take so long for Chui to be able to cope with agility trials. I even have to wonder if he ever will. I also think if I got healthier, we could both do better. I don't feel like giving up. But I feel like slowing down and letting things simmer. Maybe I'll move my focus to tracking sooner than planned, turn agility on low... not stop, just keep it simple.

Mozzie - He's like a little toy to me. I like him, I think he's cute. I don't think he is sure of me, but he certainly does like me. He is another thing I'm just not sure of, not sure what is going on. I'm not getting up any desire to be training him. I feel there are many missed opportunities, yet I'm sure I really care. But I do fear he's bored and feels like a "nothing" here. I need to turn this around.

Katche - Weaves... Do I have the patience to work with him? It takes a lot!

Jewelry Photography

My daughter, Erin, is in school for photography. She will be taking photos of the jewelry I've made as part of an assignment to create 'product' photos. I am looking forward to getting the photos and posting them.

Dan and I are developing an idea for offering beading class sessions for small groups. We'll be working on finishing off our studio for this soon. I am planning sample pieces and options for the classes.

I've just ordered some new beads from Auntie's Beads to make stone, sterling and leather bracelets. One of the stones I'll use will be turquoise.

http://www.auntiesbeads.com/

This weekend I'll be collaberating with two agilty friends who are also beaders to make pieces that will be donated for the CPE Nationals this coming June. The Nationals will be held in Minnesota this year and Chui is entered!

New attempt to make something of this blog idea

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind about life, now and past. I feel I have two lives, the one that is gone forever and the new one I am trying to create and hang on to. It's hard. I do find I can take some things from my old life to use now, but still with some sadness. I'm working on that. I'm working on being grateful for it and honoring it wisely. But having my life change in an instant and never being able to say goodbye still hurts and I think it will hurt forever. My first hope is that my boys can forgive me, my second hope is that I can forgive myself and lastly I wish I could feel at peace with the thought that they are now in the spirit world and are okay.
That last is the key, how do I find the spirituality to believe that? How do I live without it? How do I embrace it? I don't know. It is very frightening. It's hard. How can I make that wish become a hope and then a belief? I need something, a sign, where will it come from? I feel it needs to come from within me? Will that ever happen? Will I live long enough for it to happen?

There is a little interesting thing that is happening to me. I don't know if I will consider it a sign of all my hopes. Non-the-less, it is something new. It is that I am scared of dying. I am scared of my lifestyle that is destroying my health. I'm also scared for my family, for so many of them. If only we could all be different, take away the underlying sadness, shame and guilt and let ourselves love ourselves and others. Then move on being healthier and happier. We have so much we could enjoy, we are all intelligent, creative, passionate and kind good people. We have the capacity to give and to frolic. There is so much wit and insight here, we could do much more with it and enjoy it. Perhaps it will improve for us all. I hope so. I will do my best. But DAMN, I wish I had a Pepsi and ice right now. Should I go look in the kitchen? Maybe.